Meant to Suffer

I write the following whilst listening to Vitamin String Quartet's version of "Motion Picture Soundtrack" (originally by Radiohead). I've been listening to this on loop for most of the last few days, and I'm pretty sure it's influenced the state I'm in that's lead to me writing this piece now that I anticipate to be sombre and nihilistic in tone for the most part, since that's how I interpret this piece of music, and it's what I allow myself to be drowned in. We'll see.

A few weekends ago, I had a particularly bad day, in that there were two particular incidents where my anger built up to the point of bursting through the surface - I shouted a lot and almost lost control over my words, to the point where I almost swore out of rage. For most people I know, swearing is no big deal and is pretty much part of their everyday vernacular. For most people who know me though (at least on a day-to-day basis), you'll know that I generally don't swear and do my best not to, because it's something I associate with rage/anger. I consider this a bad thing and it's a characteristic of myself I try heavily to hold back from those around me (I don't deny it, but I don't want to let it out since raw anger never helps, only harms). Anywho, my point is that I felt incredibly angry and was, as such, acting out.

Of course, when my anger is erupting/flowing out of me, I regret it as it's happening, yet at the same time feel like I can't hold it back any more. I generally don't get violent, thankfully, but that's also worrying in particular way - it means I still have control, I think. So if I have enough control to not manifest my anger into physical force (i.e. punching, hitting, kicking, etc.), then why don't I seem to be able to control myself enough to calm my voice and articulate my thoughts and feelings in a constructive and peaceful way? During the second incident I even thought to myself as it was happening "Tell them that what they're saying and how they're saying it is hurting you.", yet instead I seemed to have opted with shouting back at the person/s in question. And I still don't get why I did that. I know I should know, do, and be better.

So after all of this happens and I'm back in my room after midnight, where I'm away from people as much as possible to finally feel free to be my raw self and temporarily suspend social responsibilities, I feel like collapsing on the floor and breaking down into tears, wailing and whatnot. Of course I don't, because I don't really seem to be able to cry any more, plus there are still people around that may hear me through the walls, and I don't want to disturb, upset, or wake them. For the record, I know that they care and they'd want to help in any way they can, but when we feel as vulnerable as we do in such moments, we tend to either shut everybody out, or be very selective about who we're going to 'let in' (for me, "beggars can't be choosers" comes to mind).

Over the next few seconds or so, I manage to calm myself down somewhat and collect my thoughts and feelings enough to get through the phase of "being overwhelmed". And then I thought to take a leap of faith. This isn't the first time I've felt overwhelmed and on the verge of a breakdown, and it's highly unlikely to be the last, but this is the first time in quite a few years at the least (perhaps almost a decade) that I've thought to seek "outside help". By "outside help", I mean somebody outside the situation itself - with problems involving people, I generally try to contain and resolve it with said involved people, rather than the problem 'spreading' - so it doesn't necessarily have to the typical "outside help" in terms of authorities/charities, but could be another person I know. Now the person I had in mind is somebody I had only recently connected with in any relatively meaningful way, and what effectively led to them drawing the short straw that meant I'd turn to them, is that I thought they may be able to relate to my situation somewhat. They'd alluded to circumstances similar to particular circumstances I often find myself in, but can't really talk about, and so I thought they may understand what I was thinking and feeling right then, and that they'd also know what to say and do to comfort me.

So I messaged them just to ask if they're around (I didn't want to let on that something was 'wrong' in case they were preoccupied/in some situation themselves), even though it was relatively late, since I know this person is also often up into the late hours of the night and that that's usually when we actually talk. I wasn't sure what I'd do if they said "Yes" - would I ask them to come over, would I go over to theirs, would we talk on the phone (something I'm generally not comfortable with, but again "beggars can't be choosers", apparently), etc. And I wait a few minutes, since the timescale of their replies is usually within that period, but no reply. I wait a bit more and carry on regretting the decisions and actions I made and did that day in the mean time. I think Guilt is the worst feeling one can feel. Eventually, after about half an hour of constantly checking my phone for a reply (pretty desperate of myself, I know), I settle on the conclusion that this may be one of the rare occasions where said person actually went to sleep relatively early (which, to state clearly, is completely fine and not a bad thing at all - if you are said person and you're reading this, as I said already in person, please don't take this as me blaming you, as I don't, nor do I hold it against you in any way!), and that I'll have to deal with this on my own, and suffer on my own.

And that seems right.

I am meant to suffer, and I deserve to suffer. That is the way Life seems to have played out to me. No matter how much you try to do "good" in this Life, you will still be labelled the "bad" one. No matter your efforts for some particular cause, there will be those that, for whatever reasons (or lack thereof), will still consider you as against those causes and treat you as such. So, assuming some form of karma, either I've done or will do something very "bad", or I myself am inherently "bad", and that's why certain things that I consider to be "bad" happen to me - because I deserve it, whether I understand why or not. And perhaps you feel that way, too - that whatever bad things happen to you, you deserve them. That if somebody has to suffer in a situation, it has to be you, not others, because you're worth less or inherently deserving of it for some reason.

Of course, that is not right.

I say "of course", but to be frank, who knows for sure - on a fundamental level, none of us can invoke an absolute morality from first principles. Anyway, technicalities and semantics aside, who are we to say who deserves what? Who are we to say if somebody's a "good" or "bad" person? Sure, we all have our own notions of morality, but that doesn't mean we become an authority on other people, especially since we don't know anybody's story beyond our own (and even that one is probably a very biased account, be it for or against ourselves). If we're going to be a moral judge on anybody, it should be only ourselves. (Yes, when we start dealing with more people and the idea of society governed by some form of law, then we do need to revisit this idea of morality in order to agree upon "common morals", but in the context of this discussion, hopefully you get what I mean and how. If not, I can elaborate further if desired, I guess.)

So maybe you think/feel that you "deserve" whatever suffering you get and that that's just the way it is - and I honestly can't say with absolute certainty that you're not, because I honestly can't say with absolute certainty that I'm not - I can tell you that if you think or feel like that, you're not alone, but I can also tell you that no matter how much we think or feel this is the case, that we deserve to suffer in whatever situation, we're probably wrong. [Having just sat here for about fifteen minutes figuring out how to succinctly write why I think we're probably wrong] I realise that for me to go into the reasoning behind this is going to require a whole discourse on various aspects of society/Life that I don't have the energy to do so right now (nor the time, as it happens), which is highly inconvenient, I realise, and I'm sorry for that, but then I'd just like to reiterate that for those who think or feel as above, you're not alone.

To 'wrap up' my story in this, I actually told the person I mentioned above ("short straw") earlier this week that the reason I messaged them that night was that I had considered 'opening up' to them (something typically unprecedented for me to do in person) because something was really bothering me. Admittedly, I only did that because they'd done the same to me - they'd asked if I was around without letting on that something was wrong, and it's only after I enquired that they talked about stuff that was bothering them - so I thought if we both at least acknowledge that we have difficulty asking for help for a whole bunch of reasons (including thinking that we deserve the 'bad' stuff that happens to us) and can admit that to somebody other than ourselves (which in this case happened to be each other), then that's at least a step in the right direction, insha Allah.

Again, though, I'd just like to remind you (and myself) that we're not alone in our suffering, whether we think it deserved or not, and that, if and when we're ready to ask or say we need help, it is there.