I think I'm reaching my break point. If it's not that, it certainly feels close to it. These last few months have slowly been exhausting me mentally in a way I don't recall feeling before, in that now it's not just how I feel, but how I think, too. That is to say, it seems reasonable that I'm exhausted. I may be reaching the end of my tether, and letting go of all my hopes, dreams, ambitions, whatever you want to call them. As such, I took an intermission from my PhD. It's not exactly a break, nor do I think I can/will actually 'recharge' in this time, since there are so many other things for me to try and sort out/resolve, but hopefully it affords me at least a bit more time to do 'my own things', and one of those will be writing here. Because frankly, I don't think or feel I can express myself to anybody else without feeling intense guilt =/
On the plus side, I think I might actually start talking about the things people tend to shy away from. Our 'darker' thoughts and feelings - the ones that are born from Sadness, Anger, and whatever other emotions one may consider "negative". So what I mean by "dark" are the things we tend to keep hidden away, that we don't really talk about openly, the things we think and feel about ourselves that are too risky to expose (at least it seems that way in the culture and society I've grown up and lived in so far). And yes, I expect a lot what I intend to write to be morbid, and most people seem to avoid talking about Death - the, at the very least, one thing we all have in common. Though I also intend to write more about things that may seem embarrassing or even, dare I use the phrase, "cringe worthy" - the things I wanted (and maybe still want...) to do in Life, relationships, hopes and expectations (and the disappointment that followed instead), etc. These aren't things that are inherently awkward or humiliating, but in my case, given how odd/strange/weird I seem to be (not just to myself, but to others, too, as is evidenced by the numerous times various people have told me that), they probably are. But if I have these thoughts and feelings, perhaps there are others out there who do, too, and so seeing that somebody else (i.e. me) having those same things may be helpful/comforting at the very least, I hope.
So, that's it - I'm intending/hoping to write a bit more over the next few weeks, and whilst not all of it will be 'doom and gloom', I imagine a lot of it will be. And whilst I do want to reach out to others for help and 'just' have somebody to talk to, I also don't want to 'impose' myself on others and so won't be sharing these posts on social media. As such, if you're reading this, I guess it means it's because you came here out of your own volition and that you care enough about what I think and feel. I guess that's something I still hope for...And if so, whoever you may be, that means a lot to me, and I thank you for it, even if I'm no longer around.
Anywho, welcome to the "Dark" side...