Most people who have met me will know that I chat a lot, except they'd probably say "talk a lot" rather than "chat a lot". And by most standards, "talk" would be the right word. I yap a lot. Sometimes about topical and arguably relevant matters, but often about trivial and mundane things. I do it to fill the silence, because if there's silence, I end up focussing on my own thoughts and feelings, and I don't really enjoy that.
At the same time though, I am all too aware that some times people want there to be silence, be it for the calmness it may bring them, for them to hear their own thoughts and feelings, or for whatever other reasons fathomable. And I do feel guilty for filling the air with noise, too. The silence outside of my mind emphasises the cacophony inside it, but that doesn't mean I can ruin it for others, nor do I want to. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
That said, I actually would like to be able to enjoy the silence. I would like to be able to be calm and still with myself. To not have my mind always wander to dark places, towards things that often need to be worried about, regardless of want or comfort. But that is not the case, and I doubt it ever will be. The problems that I dwell on are ongoing and have been since before I was born, and I don't know if I can actually do anything to resolve them or if I'll just give up completely because of them. I generally hope at this stage that I'll 'just' have a breakdown and chuck reason out of the window and just end it all. I know that's highly selfish and insensitive on many levels, and I do apologise for that - there is not a "but this is why I think it's justified" to follow, just that it's how I feel, even if I currently think it irrational/wrong.
Anywho, this...post(?)...letter(?)...is meant to be about the difficulties of talking, specifically the difficulties I have with talking to others about my own thoughts and feelings, about what goes on in my heart and mind. The reason why I distinguished "chat" and "talk" at the beginning is that I tend to use the latter to mean "talking" about things I consider intimate, meaningful, personal, and the like (whereas "chatting" is for the relatively trivial/mundane/impersonal topics). So when I say "I'm here if you want or need to talk.", what I'm trying to say is "Every topic, no matter how big or small, how important or trivial it may seem to somebody, can be discussed with me..." (and the context of me saying that implies "...and that I'm not here to judge, but to listen and to help as best as I can, or at least try to."). And so that's also what I hope for when I feel like talking. I want to open up. I don't want to feel like I have to bear the burden of certain things by myself and that there's somebody out there who's not only willing to listen, but can do so without prejudice, as well as with compassion and understanding.
But these conditions are the things that make it so difficult for me to feel like I can talk to somebody. I get it - these are "my conditions", criteria that I am setting and therefore I am most, if not wholly, responsible for the difficulties I'm facing. It does often cause me to think "But can beggars be choosers?" (even though I do have issues with that adage itself), and whatever the answer to that question, I set those conditions after several attempts. Sort of like a trial-and-error approach.
Of course, I don't hope for/expect these conditions to be met in others without trying to fulfil them myself. So I do think I'm sympathetic and understanding when I try to talk to others about stuff and find it doesn't seem to be working, as in I don't feel like I've been 'heard' or understood any better. [Tangent: I watched Guillermo del Toro's "The Shape of Water" recently, which is about a mute woman who falls in love with a merman. At one point in the film, she's trying to explain her feelings to her neighbour, who thinks he knows the situation better and so dismisses her feelings, at which point she exclaims, via sign-language, "You're not hearing me!". That specific choice of word - "hearing" - and the way the line was delivered meant a lot to me.]
I don't think I'm a perfect listener by any means (working on it, of course), nor do I always have the 'right' thing to say back when it's called for, but I think I'm fairly good based on how things seem to go when others talk to me about their things. It's hard to gauge this exactly, of course, since these matters aren't the kind of thing I'd ask for feedback on - "Right, having talked about all of this with me, how would you rate the experience?", so I can't say for sure, but yes - I try to be there for others as much possible and in as welcoming and comforting a manner as possible, and think I'm fairly okay at it, at least...
But this is the thing. Compared to the the number of times I've offered to listen and have listened to others and had others open up to me about their personal thoughts and feelings, I've tried a relatively small number of times to talk with others about 'my things'. That's not to say I'm entitled to it or I'm 'owed' or anything, but to try and communicate the notion I have that "I'm one person and I seem to be able to be there for others in the capacity they want/need...surely there's at least somebody I know that can do the same for me?". And the empirical answer seems to be "No, there isn't." This seems really harsh, of course, and I feel bad thinking it, so I want to clarify that it's not to say that I consider myself 'better' than others nor do I think all others I know are 'bad listeners' or anything like that. I mean the answer seems to be that way because, as I said, empirically and objectively speaking, that seems to be the case. And when I try to figure out why, I keep coming back to the "I'm the odd one out."-conclusion, which doesn't make sense to me in principle/theory (in that I believe, with reason, that we're all equal), but observations seem to demonstrate again and again.
I realise I've gone on and at this point I don't think I've actually said what the difficulties in talking I have are, so I'll try to wrap it up even if it makes this whole post seem fragmented/disjointed (after all, I'm pretty much using this blog to dump my thoughts and feelings somewhere because I feel both that I can't really contain them any more as well as that they have nowhere else to go - "Nobody cares about your feelings or what you think, Ridwan."). The difficulties I have with talking are related to "criteria" I mentioned above:
Caring/Compassionate - I don't want to bother others, so I'll try my best not to with my stuff. If somebody really cares about how I am, they'll ask/invite me to talk about my things (and I don't mean the "How are you?" said out of social etiquette by most rather than asked as a genuine question by very few), regardless of social conventions/awkwardness, and regardless of what I may end up talking about, because to them, those things are secondary to how I am. I have often ended up looking like a fool/being weird or whatever because I tend to break social conventions when I care for somebody's well-being or am worried about them, and it doesn't matter about that because I'd rather be safe than sorry. And I have often experienced people saying "You were there for me, thanks. I'm here if you ever need, too." and then when I have finally convinced myself that it's okay to ask them for help, which is something I'm pretty scared of doing already, they have responded with either "Sorry, I've got other stuff I need to deal with now." or "Sorry, I don't know how I can help.", which feels so demoralising and disheartening.
Again, I try to sympathise and understand their point-of-view, so I try not to blame them or anything, but at the same time, for the former I think "But I had so much stuff going on myself when I tried to be there for you and didn't leave you on your own...", and for the latter I think "I get it, I seem to be the anomaly so it makes sense that you don't know how to help - maybe I'm not meant to be helped with this...".Without prejudice - I don't mean just the 'typical prejudice' in terms of racial, cultural, sexual, etc. (and I hope/imagine the challenges those present is obvious enough, but can go into detail some other time, if needs/wants be), but the type of prejudice that tries to fit your experiences, thoughts, and feelings (ETF), to those of the one listening, and it often can end up being more of a cathartic 'session' for them than it is for you. Of course, this is the kind of prejudice none of us can completely prevent ourselves from having (as far as I'm aware), but it's still one we can be aware of and try to miminise ourselves - I will often say if I can relate to somebody's ETF but I do acknowledge (sometimes explicitly) that I don't know their exact ETF, and as such, won't say that "I know" (unless it's to say "know dem feelz", but that being said in a light manner is often obvious at the time). So when people tend not to realise they've gone from listening to you, to conforming your ETF to their own, even though I imagine it's done with the best of intentions, it can actually make you feel even more isolated and alone, like "You're not hearing me."
It's a fine line - some times you, as the listener now, are simply trying to convey to the talker that you can relate with a similar (or possibly even the same?) situation, but conveying that in a manner that acknowledges the subtle and not-so-subtle differences can make a huge difference to the person that's trying to express themselves. I'm fairly sure I've been on the wrong side of that line, too, and I'm sorry to those who I've alienated and isolated further as a consequence, and I'm sorry for letting you down, and I hope you haven't given up and know at least that I am still here if you feel like talking, and I will try my best to be there for you and to be a better listener despite my flaws.Understanding - This is closely linked to the point I made just above about prejudice and the fine line in trying to relate one's own ETF with those of the one opening up. This is the 'good' side of the fine line, so to speak. But it's not something you can really develop I guess without having gone through those kinds of experiences, having those kinds of thoughts and feelings. Our problems are rarely characterised by one thing, or even a few things - they can be the product of multiple issues, and so whilst our problems can be comparable in some ways, there are some ways that still differentiate them from one and another, and so if you find your problems seem to be 'highly specific' i.e. influenced by lots and lots of factors that produce a very particular situation that most people can't relate to...well, there it is - most people can't relate to it, and so you have to explain it out to them for them to understand.
And this is the probably the 'condition' that came about from a 'trial-and-error' approach, and links back to the first point - of the relatively few people I've ended up talking to about my stuff, it's usually a situation they're sort of familiar with, but then there are so many factors that are beyond their experience that it becomes a "Sorry, I don't know how to help you."-situation. And you can take the time to communicate and explain it all to them, of course, but that can be a lot of effort and very debilitating in itself, because it can remind you of how unusual and odd you may be that perhaps it's easier to treat this apparent anomaly i.e. myself, by removing it from the situation altogether. To be frank, given that I often feel only comfortable approaching people I've 'been there' for (because I feel that I've given something so it's okay to ask for something - again, not saying I see these things as favours that need to be balanced or anything), there already seems to be an established "mentor-student"-relationship, where I'm the 'mentor'-figure that seems to generally know what to say and do (not always, though) and they are the 'student', and so effort also needs to go into changing that dynamic, so it just feels like another hurdle and sign not to do it...
Of course, with all of these things, mutual communication is key, since this whole thing is about communicating. And so on one hand you can't expect the person being opened up to to be psychic and know exactly how the person opening up wants you to react and wants you to say; they (the person opening up) needs to communicate these things or at least be prepared that the person they're trying to communicate to won't know these things and may need direction. But that's the thing - you may be feeling so helpless and drained that you can't keep it together any longer, which is what's driven you to reaching out like this in the first place, grasping at straws, that it just seems better to give up hope rather than spend any more energy, especially when you've been the one who knew what to say and do all this time for others - now you just want somebody else to do it for you so that you can rest.
I get that a lot of what I've said above probably doesn't have a clear and consistent narrative, and I'm almost certain that I haven't communicated the points I wanted to get across in a clear and obvious way either, sorry. I could go back and read over everything I've written now, but to be frank, this whole entry has been difficult to write because of the very last thing I've written above - I don't feel like I have the energy to keep facing the world and have hope that somebody may understand me and I think there's no point in writing this for it to benefit me because I imagine people will only read this if and when I end my Life, but I think - and hope - that maybe anybody who does read it is at least aware this all out so that anybody who reads it may keep these things in mind when trying to be there for others.
By the way, I've described the above using a "talker" and "listener" narrative, but that was for clarity; I don't actually consider these to be two specific roles that either party has to adopt or stick to. Rather, in my mind, the way it plays out is Person A (me) wants to talk but doesn't want to impose, Person B asks how A is in a genuine and sincere manner, A leaves a breadcrumb that B picks up on because B cares and pays attention to the details, B enquires further, A opens up a little more but in a way that asks B if they've ever been in anything like so-and-so situation, and B then answers to say they have and asks A if they're in that kind of situation or something like that, and then A opens up a bit more, and what actually ends up happening is that A and B talk with each other about their problems in a way that's mutually supportive and that they both know the 'solutions' to their 'own' problems, but they just want to hear it from somebody other than themselves and without having to direct that person to saying those things either, just so they don't feel alone and as if they're facing their problems alone. So it's not meant to be a one-way thing at all, but a mutual "give and take", so to speak.
On that note, of not wanting to feel alone and as if they have to face the world on their own, a lot of the times, if not most of the time, it can be that they just want something like a hug. I know it's what I want. The physical aspect of a relationship a lot of people I grew up with and that are around me seems to be sex, and that's their choice and they have their reasoning for it, so I don't say that in a judgemental way. I say it because for me, it's pretty always been having somebody to hug and be hugged by (and so it's another data-point that makes me wonder if I'm just an anomaly). The kind of hug that makes everything seem like it'll be okay, even if it's just for that moment. I don't know if they actually exist in real life and are just something I believe in because of books and TV/film, so maybe it's a notion I'll have to let go, but that's what I long for physically. [Another tangent: I watched Greta Gerwig's "Lady Bird" last night, which I really liked, and there's a scene in it that isn't exclusive to the film - of somebody suddenly losing their composure and falling into the arms of another as the floodgates can no longer hold (to paraphrase David Gray's "The Other Side" - a song quite dear to me) - but is the most recent portrayal of this and so most apparent in my mind, plus given how I've been feeling these last few months, I imagine that scene will stick with me for quite a while (I guess a similar moment is the climax of the "It's Not Your Fault."-scene from Good Will Hunting). The self-loathing and self-hatred, being ashamed of who you are, the fear of being misunderstood and judged, and then it becomes so much that you feel like you're not going to be able to keep it together any more - to feel and actually believe that you have somebody at that point of breaking that can handle that torrent of emotion and just hold you through it all as you let it all out, that's not a given, and it doesn't seem to be easy to come by; so far I've either found myself in those situations and felt that none of the people around could fulfil that role and so I need to keep it together somehow (even though I felt like I couldn't), or, in a couple of separate incidents, I think I've tried to trick myself into thinking that the person present could fulfil that role, and so I allowed myself to reach out for a hug in a bid to try and feel better, but really what I ended up feeling was sadness that they didn't actually understand what I was going through, gratitude that, even though they knew that they didn't understand what I was going through and so didn't know how to help, they were willing to be there nonetheless because it was the best they could do, and even more solitude, because it made me feel that "Even when people want to help, they can't, so I should deal with this by myself, but now I'm also responsible for their involvement in my problems because I tried opening up to them.". But yes, there's a scene in Lady Bird where this happens and the tone of the film shifts a bit and things start to really hit home. I can't say I can relate exactly to the specifics of that particular character's situation, but I can definitely relate to the feelings, and I actually felt like breaking down in the cinema there and then - partly because I had the overwhelming "Somebody knows how I'm feeling!" sensation that you get with art (often with songs, I guess), and partly because I also thought "It happens for others, it seems, but I should stop hoping for it to happen to me."...yay. Of course, I didn't end up breaking down, because I didn't feel like there was anybody around who could support me in that moment (I went with a friend but, as mentioned above, I feel the dynamic we have - when it comes to personal things like this, that is - is one where I am the 'mentor'-figure), and even if I did, I don't know if I physically can break down into tears any more. I seem to get a one-second overwhelming rush to scream and cry which never actually escapes my mouth and eyes, and then the feeling dissipates whilst the impact of the emotions lingers for a long time. Almost as if to say "These are your problems and they are confined to you and for you to deal with."...]
Lastly, I want to point out that I'm not saying those in my Life who have actively offered to be there for me to talk to are 'bad' people or 'failures' or anything like that. I don't see or think of them like that. It's just a case of understanding and experience, it seems, and of course, I'm glad that you don't seem to be able to relate mostly/exactly to my situation. That's not to say it's objectively worse than anything you or others have been through, just that I know how it makes me feel, and so I wouldn't wish it upon anybody else, even if that means not having somebody to talk to about it all. Of those who have been kind and caring enough to notice and offer, I really appreciate it, so thank you. I hope you have people who are there for you that can help, and I will try to be amongst them for as long as I am around, of course. Take care.
...but that doesn't seem to be mutual, so far. That's not implying people aren't willing or anything.