My So-Called Triple-Life

Something I’ve been meaning to write about for a few days - but kept putting off because the subject matter feels particularly heavy for me to think about, let alone write about - is about my ‘triple-life’. Also, this is mostly a thought-stream, so may involve lots of waffling and jump around, but hopefully it’s consistent at least…

Now many people, including myself, seem to have many personas in terms of who they are with themselves, with family, with significant others, with friends, with colleagues, with strangers, etc., though I often hear these personas being categorised into a binary distinction of personal and professional lives, as if living a double-life, if you will. Whilst I can understand this, it personally always seemed like a hassle to me that I imagine I’d find exhausting to indulge in - pretending to be somebody other than myself at work or wherever seemed like not only extra effort (kind of implying who I’d be personally would either be at least ‘good enough’ for a professional setting or conversely not suitable and therefore not ‘have to’ consider a professional setting in the first place =/ I’d like to think I strive for the former…) but also a compromise on who I am.

The thing is, though, I kinda felt that way about having a double-life because I find being ‘me’ exhausting enough as it is already, in that who I am in front of others is typically a very filtered and relatively refined version of myself that’s constantly trying to consider what everybody’s thinking and how they’re feeling as well as how certain things being said or done may make them feel, and not just by myself but by others, too (which is why I find one-on-one interactions much easier in general because as soon as another person is present I have a hard time trying to juggle and anticipate it all just as we currently do with the three-body problem in physics). I’d like to point out (perhaps to convince myself, too…who knows?), this isn’t to say this is not me, or a a dishonest/false version of me, but rather I see it like the difference between “I’ll be honest.” and “I’ll be honest and frank.” (which I imagine still won’t sit well with some and am open to feedback on this of course). This is a bit of a tangent and one I intend to write about properly/elaborately in a separate post, but for now I will say that there are three quantities in mathematics of particular significance to me (though no disrespect meant to Euler’s Equation!) that I in turn try to ‘mirror’ in reality (given how the analogies I tend to try to understand Life/Existence/the Universe with are pretty much all centred around maths, physics, and computer simulations…): Zero, One, and Infinity. I generally think/feel as if I (as well as possibly most, if not all, others) typically have a version of themselves for Zero others i.e. who they are when by themselves, for One other i.e. who they are when with some individual they hold in a particularly significant regard, and for Infinite others, i.e. who they are when with everybody else in general. This isn’t to say it’s a strict ‘law’ or anything, especially between One and Infinity, plus I guess there is somewhat of a goal for Zero and One to be the same, but it’s a framework that’s there in my mind.

Aaaaaaannyway, that tangent aside, the thing I actually intended to get down in writing is my so-called triple-life, which, in short, is basically me trying to live in a way that keeps the three possible outcomes I see for my Life (and the respective paths to each of those outcomes)…possible. What I mean by that is that the three outcomes that I see, I also regard as mutually exclusive, and because I can’t figure out which one to commit to, I try to ensure all three outcomes are simultaneously possible at any given moment. This is, as you can expect (if I haven’t confused you with my scatty narrative, sorry!), very difficult to do and, again, incredibly exhausting. Yet I feel it is necessary =/ This is a very brief take on my triple-life:

1. Suicide - outcome seems most fitting and feels most right, as in the thing I’m ‘meant to do’, for various reasons, but I think is wrong - likelihood: varies depending on how I’m feeling;

2. Conceding that most of the problems in both my family and in society probably won't change and cycles will repeat, and that the rest of my days will most likely be spent just fighting those problems and battles where I can and looking after my family/others and teaching them to cope with things as best as I can - outcome feels like defeat and too much of a compromise, that the needs will always come above my wants, and will probably end up with me losing my battle against cynicism and becoming a husk - likelihood: seemingly very high as this seems the most realistic and seems to match my current trajectory; and

3. That things will actually work out and improve, and those problems in my family and society will be resolved, or at least improved/resolved enough that I can have that life I used to imagine when I was a child where I am a good husband and a great father - outcome is the one I actually want, but also seems naive and idealistic of me, yet maybe it is possible to change the world… - likelihood: seemingly very low.

(I was going to make a mini, rather clichéd, three-panel comic summarising these with a filled black panel, a mundane/bleak grayscale outlook on life for the second, and a happy outlook third panel filled with colour, but I’m terrible at drawing as it is that without my tablet there’s even less chance of it looking like how it does in my mind.)

Originally it was only #3. Then on my 15th birthday #1 came into play and was meant to take effect on my 16th birthday, though #3 would still twinkle from time to time. Evidently, this did not happen, and I initially thought #1 would take a little longer than expected (in my mind the hold-up was because I still hadn’t worked out a way to morally justify it, but it’s very possible I was in denial about it - who knows?) so still it was predominantly #1 with a few appearances by #3 here and there. I didn’t consciously realise but during my late teens and early twenties is when #2 started popping up more and more, and so, for pretty much the last decade of my life, I’ve been constantly trying to juggle these three outcomes. And like I said, they’re fairly mutually exclusive so it makes me hold back on a lot of things, particularly the idea of a relationship. As in, #3 is the outcome I’d actually like, but given the likelihoods of #1 and #2, and even the fact that I think about them as ‘viable’ outcomes, I don’t think it’s exactly moral/fair for me to have a relationship with somebody whilst keeping those possibilities in mind =/ Incidentally, this has put me in an odd situation for many years in that I feel whatever love, affection, compassion, kindness, etc. I have, I feel I should share or even ‘give away’ to others in general rather than ‘reserving’ for that ‘special someone’ (because if you have something good, you want to share it, or at least I hope that’s the case), which people can often somewhat understandably misinterpret (though still I wish they’d ask and try to understand rather than generalise and assume). Even though this is arguably not what the following scene was about, I often think of this rather climactic moment - kinda a spoiler if you haven’t seen it though! - from the film Gattaca when dwelling on this predicament - of not saving anything for the swim back, because there is no swim back.)

The apparently obvious solution to my dilemma of course would be to commit to one of the three outcomes, i.e. #3, and disregard the other two, though of course how that plays out is how the three outcomes came to be in the first place. So I don’t know. It’s hard. And emotions are hard. And people don’t often make sense. So I don’t know how to do this and I still wish I could just commit to #1 and be done with it, but Hope seems to glimmer on, even though I now consider Hope a double-edged sword =/ I think I’ll stop there. Thanks if you read this.

The "Death-Friend"

Hello :)

I know I haven’t posted here in quite some time, and I have been meaning to quite regularly to be frank (say once a week, at least). As usual, though, there’ve been other things getting in the way, be it actual stuff to do, or more likely the constant apathy and my lethargy in anything that seems to be ‘for myself’. Anywho, here I am trying to make amends of sorts (to whom? I have no idea - to you the readers and audience, I guess, but I don’t think I have any ‘regulars’ that wait with baited breath for my next post :P If I do, though, I am sorry! I don’t mean to overlook you or anything, I just wasn’t aware and had no indication of it, as far as I could tell.).

So, the “Death-Friend”.

This is a concept that’s been more or less been floating around in my head as some vague and unidentified form for almost half of my life, and I may have even made allusions to it in my past posts, but it’s only very recently that I think I figured out what that presence in my mind was. In short, a “Death Friend” is a friend who you feel comfortable sharing your Death with, and the moments leading up to it, be it the moments just before your passing, or the months and years before as you try to set your affairs in order.

Of course, there are a few things to point out with this:

1. It presumes you know when you’re going to die. Nobody really knows this for sure until the moment it happens, of course. However, the general implication is that this is either somebody who’s “terminally ill”, or planning their Death (be it suicide or assisted-suicide). So we’re on ‘dark’ territory here, but that’s usually the case with me, as you’ve probably figured out by now if you’ve read my previous stuff, and if not, now you know! :D

2. I actually wouldn’t consider this any different from other types of friends, and would hope that, if faced with the situation for whatever reason, a good friend would be able to support one through to the end of one’s Life. Of course, Death is not necessarily an easy thing to deal with and we all have our own thoughts and feelings about it, so I’m certainly not saying one has to be able to fulfil this, and that’s why I thought of the notion of a death-friend in the first place. Because some times the person you may consider your best friend may not seem ready or able to bear such a weight, and that’s understandable, and you don’t want to impose upon them or burden them any more than you may already feel like you are doing or have done.

3. When I say “sharing your Death with”, I don’t mean they die too, like a suicide-pact or something, just that they’re with you at the moment of your passing so you don’t feel alone at the end of this Life, at least (if you want them to be and don’t want to feel that way, that is).

Anywho, that’s all. Hopefully I’ll be posting more regularly and of about this length from now on (as a general guideline, not a hard rule).

Take care :)

Eleven Years Past My Self-Appointed Expiry Date

On my fifteenth birthday, I concluded that the most practical thing to do with my Life was to end it. The deadline (wow, what a pun, unintended as it was) I set myself for planning this and getting all my affairs in order was my sixteenth birthday. Evidently, I failed at meeting this target, but that thought and feeling - that I should end my Life - still feels like the thing I'm 'meant' to do and continues to influence most of my actions to this day. So I thought I'd write a bit about it. [Just a heads up, I pretty much wrote this as I went along, and it's not meant to be a complete account or anything, just some insights into me, I guess.]

Reasons for "Disclosure"

The reason why I choose to 'disclose' this aspect of myself now, I think, is mostly because recently I've accepted that no matter how much I try to find a way to rationally justify such a decision (in both "with Islam" and "without Islam" models), I won't ever find it - I can only 'hope' that at some point my tolerance will give way and I'll 'finally' be pushed over the edge and end it whilst in some strongly-irrational mindset. So maybe by sharing this part of me openly then perhaps, if I'm allowed and entitled to it, I can request others to help make my stay here that much more bearable, please.

However, I say the above is "mostly" the reason why, but part of the reason is also because I'd like people in general to try and be a bit more open-minded and considerate about me (and anybody else) trying to be helpful. I strongly try to apply "The Golden Rule" to my life ("Treat others as you wish to be treated"), as do many, if not all, others that I know. As such, when I think others are feeling down, upset, alone, or anything of the sorts, I will try to treat them how I wish to be treated when I feel like that. I will try to offer them the things I wish I was offered in those situations (somebody to talk to, a hug, some company, somewhere else to be, etc.). I will try to be the most patient, accommodating, understanding person I can be for them in that instance because I know that maybe they can't express themselves in a way they'll be understood or even feel like they can ask for help.

Sure, there are times when I've thought so-and-so was feeling down because they seemed to say/do things I or others have done when feeling down, but it turns out everything's relatively fine with them, to the point that my concerns are unwarranted. In these cases, people often think of me as odd, weird, creepy, etc. And in some ways, I'm okay with that - I'd rather be safe than sorry. I'd rather somebody knew I cared even if nothing was wrong than for somebody to think I didn't care because I didn't say anything out of fear of seeming odd and whatnot. In some ways, though, I'm not okay with that - I guess it's great for somebody to not have to worry about the things that could go wrong or be familiar with them on a daily basis, but just because that may be normality for some, doesn't mean it's normality for others (and vice versa, of course, but again, better safe than sorry). For me, and many I know, feeling down (for whatever reasons, though some times there doesn't seem to be any discernible reason) is a pretty common and regular experience, whether it be from ourselves or in others.

So, to reiterate, if somebody's being overly kind to you by your standards, try to find out from them why before you judge them for it, please (this goes for anything generally, too, though). In Mary Schmich's 1997 article "Advice, like youth, probably wasted on the young" (popularised by Baz Luhrmann in the same year with his song "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)"), there's a line that says "Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it." It's not an apt comparison, I know, but hopefully it somewhat conveys what I mean (whilst also sharing an essay very dear to me). I will be the kindest I can be because I know that's what I would like from others, that maybe I wouldn't be in the mindset I am now - of thinking the best thing for me to do for my sake and everybody else's would be to end my Life - if all of us had always done the same, and that maybe it'll be enough to make a difference for the better in somebody's life. In a way, I feel like me making this request is a defeat, of sorts, because I don't like to actually ask for or impose changes in people, and try to always lead by example (hence being the change you want to see in the world and the whole treating others like I wish to be treated - it's not fair for me to expect something of others if I don't do my part to meet that expectation myself). So now you know why I try to be 'overly' helpful and whatnot, and why I ask for some more understanding on the matter than what I've experienced so far, please - because I'm trying to show how I wish to be treated by treating others the same, not because I'm up to something shady.

[Also, given some of the responses I've sometimes had from others when I have tried to be nice (for want of a better word), I feel I almost have to say the following, sadly: me trying to be nice isn't me trying to flirt, pursue a relationship, or take advantage of somebody, it's me trying to be nice. If I like somebody enough that I'd actually consider a relationship with them (which for me translates to as a lifelong commitment), I will just tell them that I like them in that way, because I'm upfront and socially awkward like that. Yes, I get that there are people out there who actually do try to be nice to further agendas of their own that I'd describe as inappropriate/sinister, sadly, and we do have to be vigilant about that, but then jumping to that conclusion about everybody before even trying to gauge the situation isn't the way to do it, and further alienates those who are trying to make a difference for the better.]

Reasons for Suicide

As for the reasons that led to my decision back when I was fifteen, I've tried writing them out several times (this is actually my eighth attempt at writing this post - the first was on my twenty-sixth birthday, so here we are more than a year and a half on, roughly) and have concluded that it's not something I can actually do in one sitting. Plus I also realised it's not a clear case of listing out Reason #1 through to Reason #whatever, since it's more like a 3D web of reasoning (wut?), in that some reasons follow on from another, some are entwined together, some build off of each other, and so on (if a better analogy can be found, feel free to suggest it - I had the Cosmic Web in mind when I said "web", by the way, as opposed to the typical '2D' spider-web).

What I mean by "Cosmic Web". Click on the image to go to the Millennium Simulation website to learn more about it (I'll share more about it in another post I'm planning to write!).

Consequently, I figured I'd probably end up writing about those reasons in separately, because they're not just personal issues for me, but also commentaries on different aspects and issues of society (from my perspective, that is), and so probably 'merit' their own posts and whatever discussions that ensue. In a nutshell though, those reasons involve:

• Not belonging (this will probably be in a post called "The Kal-El/Spock Complex");
• Prejudice and Discrimination - as a Muslim (especially in Science in Britain =/), as a "Brown" person, as a South Asian male ("South Asian men have a notorious rep for how they treat women, and you must be the same", though also cultural expectations of "masculinity", too, from both British and South Asian sides...);
• Injustice - I acknowledge and 'accept' suffering from natural disasters, but I can't accept suffering caused by other people, yet it seems so abundant in the world;
• Existential Guilt - the suffering and sacrifices others endured for me being here and getting to where I am today;
• Being 'voiceless' and people not actually listening until it's too late or you do something drastic (like taking your own Life) - I think that's why that line ("From the moment I could talk, I was ordered to listen.") from Cat Steven's "Father & Son" always resonated with me from when I first heard the song way back when;
• 'Just' not being able to cope with Life - quite possibly (and probably?) a product of the above reasons, but it could just be that I'm not cut out for any of this.

Despite me listing them out, they all relate to each other in one way or another, so it's not as if these are independent issues. Also, I really hope I haven't given the impression that I think of myself as the epitome of kindness or perfection or anything like that all. I've made many mistakes (by my standards, at least), hurt others, and so on, regretfully. I think that's another reason (maybe even more dominant than everything above) why I try to be so nice - I'm trying to earn all the good stuff that I've been blessed with by doing what I believe to be right, and maybe that'll make up for all the wrong that I've done. Likewise, there's the possibility that maybe I'm inherently 'bad' and that's why some people have treated me the way they did and do, because I 'deserve' it, but I don't really subscribe to that model much any more because it'd imply that there's justification in treating some others badly which I don't buy (I know that's me rejecting some viewpoint primarily based off of me not liking the idea, but it's something I've thought about a lot critically too and reached the same conclusion, thankfully), though who knows.

I think my narrative style is becoming less coherent now, and so I'll wrap up soon, but I figured I'd mention some of the relatively trivial decisions I've made that might not have made sense to people over the years, but now that the cat's out of the bag, there may be some context for understanding? I dunno.

1. Was meant to go on an expedition trip to Tanzania that involved climbing Kilimanjaro back at school that I withdrew from. The general reason (which is true, just vague) is that I didn't feel like going and it was too expensive. The more specific reason is that I had planned to die on that mountain summit because I imagined it'd be more peaceful up there than where I was mentally and physically at the time, but 1) that'd possibly traumatise my classmates and others on the trip, which I had no intention of doing, and 2) it'd be a huge waste of money that my Family just doesn't have (I still owe my sister for the amount on the deposit that we never got back, even though she insists I owe her nothing).
2. I avoided my nieces (I have no nephews so far, as far as I'm aware) getting close to me or telling them to call me "Uncle" (in 'our' culture, we never call our elders by their names, but by their relation to us i.e. being the youngest sibling, I've never called my siblings by their names, but "Bhaiya" [Brother], "Apu" [Sister], and "Api" [since "Apu" was already taken :P]). This is because I didn't want them to feel loss or miss me when I'm no longer around, given that I planned to no longer be around very soon after my first niece was born. So it's not that I don't love them or don't care for them at all, but quite the opposite, albeit in a 'depressing' way.
3. I stopped trying at school. I wasn't a great student, but I generally put effort into my work when I thought it was worth something. One of the things I realised though at that time was that no matter how well I did academically, it didn't change or solve the problems around me, so my efforts were focussed elsewhere. Incidentally this happened around the time I started taking my GCSEs, when assessments actually became official and played a relatively significant part in one's academic and career prospects. I still enjoyed some of my subjects, but doing well academically just seemed like such a relatively trivial thing compared to the other things on my mind (I'm not saying I was right in my decision, just that that was the reasoning behind it).
4. As I realised justifying taking my Life wasn't going to be as straight-forward a matter as I originally thought (given that I couldn't find a way to actually justify it), my sixteenth birthday had come and gone [by the way, for those who know I don't celebrate birthdays, it's not to do with any of this stuff, just so you know], and the expectation from pretty much everywhere was going to university (that's not meant in a bad way, just that it is what it is). Since I wasn't planning on sticking around, university wasn't exactly a priority, but I went along with the application process as best as I could, partly because I thought I might as well do it as best as I can, partly because I think there was still a part of me that thought things may actually work out. That said, I actually got an offer to study Physics with Astronomy at the University of Southampton (UK) straight after I finished school, but given my anticipated absence from the world, I deferred my entry by a year. The reason given was to save up money (again, true, but vague - the money would either be towards paying back my student debt or, if I 'succeeded' in my plan, to pay back my sister and to help my Family along in any way possible, especially given all that they'd sacrificed and given for me).

There are various other things, but I can't recall them all now, plus this is a long post already, sorry! I do often wonder if I actually do want to end my Life, given that eleven years have passed and I'm still here - am I really looking for justification to [posthumously] say I did the right thing, or am I actually just hiding behind that reason? That's why I don't describe myself as "suicidal", because I think it's unfair on those who definitely do 'want' to take their own lives and risks trivialising their situations. I think I shouldn't be around, yes, but if there were suddenly 'clauses' in Islam that effectively said "It's okay to take your own Life if...", would I go through with it? Oh, I feel I should point out at this point that it doesn't say anything like that anywhere in the Qur'an or the Hadith (the two texts that basically codify Islam and how to implement it, more or less respectively), and I imagine I have to clearly state for the record that I do not think suicide-bombing or anything like that is acceptable, justifiable, right, etc. One of my motivations for ending my Life is to end suffering, not cause it.

I should add, me writing about this doesn't mean I'm on the metaphorical edge or anything, so please don't feel like I should be under suicide-watch or anything. Like I said, I've pretty much come to accept that I'm never going to be able to justify it and go through with it, and that I'll just have to wait for my time to come and do the best I can until then. Incidentally, I did wonder if anybody would read this and twist it into an invite for murdering me...for the record, please don't; I think murder's wrong and despite wondering if I could ask somebody to 'help' in the act of ending it, I realised I'd still be asking them to take a Life, so ruled that out (plus I had nobody to ask, go figure...). I think I'm just asking for people to try to be more understanding, less judgemental, and generally more compassionate, please.

Lastly, I hope I haven't put you on a downer or anything, though I'm sorry if I have. And I'm still the same person as I was before you read this; sure, your perspective of me may now have changed a bit, a lot, or not at all, but I'm still me. If you have to judge me, judge me on what you know I've said and done, and on nothing else, please. You don't have to tread carefully around me because of how I may think or feel, but I hope that we all tread kindly and considerably wherever we may go, whoever we may be around, and in whatever situation we are. Also, please know that if you ever feel like talking, I'm here and I'll listen as best as I can, and that offer's around as long as I am (I wonder if people get what I meant by this statement now, given that I've been saying it for years...). I feel better about myself and who I am if I'm able to help others, so please never shy away from asking for it or letting me know if you need or want it. If you made it this far, thank you (even if you didn't, you won't see this bit, but I'm still grateful).

Take care :)

Help those who need it. Also: cute!

Thoughts

When your mother gives you things she's looked after for you since you were a child, but not because you're old enough to look after them yourself from now on, but because she feels she won't be able to look after them much longer...