On my fifteenth birthday, I concluded that the most practical thing to do with my Life was to end it. The deadline (wow, what a pun, unintended as it was) I set myself for planning this and getting all my affairs in order was my sixteenth birthday. Evidently, I failed at meeting this target, but that thought and feeling - that I should end my Life - still feels like the thing I'm 'meant' to do and continues to influence most of my actions to this day. So I thought I'd write a bit about it. [Just a heads up, I pretty much wrote this as I went along, and it's not meant to be a complete account or anything, just some insights into me, I guess.]
Reasons for "Disclosure"
The reason why I choose to 'disclose' this aspect of myself now, I think, is mostly because recently I've accepted that no matter how much I try to find a way to rationally justify such a decision (in both "with Islam" and "without Islam" models), I won't ever find it - I can only 'hope' that at some point my tolerance will give way and I'll 'finally' be pushed over the edge and end it whilst in some strongly-irrational mindset. So maybe by sharing this part of me openly then perhaps, if I'm allowed and entitled to it, I can request others to help make my stay here that much more bearable, please.
However, I say the above is "mostly" the reason why, but part of the reason is also because I'd like people in general to try and be a bit more open-minded and considerate about me (and anybody else) trying to be helpful. I strongly try to apply "The Golden Rule" to my life ("Treat others as you wish to be treated"), as do many, if not all, others that I know. As such, when I think others are feeling down, upset, alone, or anything of the sorts, I will try to treat them how I wish to be treated when I feel like that. I will try to offer them the things I wish I was offered in those situations (somebody to talk to, a hug, some company, somewhere else to be, etc.). I will try to be the most patient, accommodating, understanding person I can be for them in that instance because I know that maybe they can't express themselves in a way they'll be understood or even feel like they can ask for help.
Sure, there are times when I've thought so-and-so was feeling down because they seemed to say/do things I or others have done when feeling down, but it turns out everything's relatively fine with them, to the point that my concerns are unwarranted. In these cases, people often think of me as odd, weird, creepy, etc. And in some ways, I'm okay with that - I'd rather be safe than sorry. I'd rather somebody knew I cared even if nothing was wrong than for somebody to think I didn't care because I didn't say anything out of fear of seeming odd and whatnot. In some ways, though, I'm not okay with that - I guess it's great for somebody to not have to worry about the things that could go wrong or be familiar with them on a daily basis, but just because that may be normality for some, doesn't mean it's normality for others (and vice versa, of course, but again, better safe than sorry). For me, and many I know, feeling down (for whatever reasons, though some times there doesn't seem to be any discernible reason) is a pretty common and regular experience, whether it be from ourselves or in others.
So, to reiterate, if somebody's being overly kind to you by your standards, try to find out from them why before you judge them for it, please (this goes for anything generally, too, though). In Mary Schmich's 1997 article "Advice, like youth, probably wasted on the young" (popularised by Baz Luhrmann in the same year with his song "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)"), there's a line that says "Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it." It's not an apt comparison, I know, but hopefully it somewhat conveys what I mean (whilst also sharing an essay very dear to me). I will be the kindest I can be because I know that's what I would like from others, that maybe I wouldn't be in the mindset I am now - of thinking the best thing for me to do for my sake and everybody else's would be to end my Life - if all of us had always done the same, and that maybe it'll be enough to make a difference for the better in somebody's life. In a way, I feel like me making this request is a defeat, of sorts, because I don't like to actually ask for or impose changes in people, and try to always lead by example (hence being the change you want to see in the world and the whole treating others like I wish to be treated - it's not fair for me to expect something of others if I don't do my part to meet that expectation myself). So now you know why I try to be 'overly' helpful and whatnot, and why I ask for some more understanding on the matter than what I've experienced so far, please - because I'm trying to show how I wish to be treated by treating others the same, not because I'm up to something shady.
[Also, given some of the responses I've sometimes had from others when I have tried to be nice (for want of a better word), I feel I almost have to say the following, sadly: me trying to be nice isn't me trying to flirt, pursue a relationship, or take advantage of somebody, it's me trying to be nice. If I like somebody enough that I'd actually consider a relationship with them (which for me translates to as a lifelong commitment), I will just tell them that I like them in that way, because I'm upfront and socially awkward like that. Yes, I get that there are people out there who actually do try to be nice to further agendas of their own that I'd describe as inappropriate/sinister, sadly, and we do have to be vigilant about that, but then jumping to that conclusion about everybody before even trying to gauge the situation isn't the way to do it, and further alienates those who are trying to make a difference for the better.]
Reasons for Suicide
As for the reasons that led to my decision back when I was fifteen, I've tried writing them out several times (this is actually my eighth attempt at writing this post - the first was on my twenty-sixth birthday, so here we are more than a year and a half on, roughly) and have concluded that it's not something I can actually do in one sitting. Plus I also realised it's not a clear case of listing out Reason #1 through to Reason #whatever, since it's more like a 3D web of reasoning (wut?), in that some reasons follow on from another, some are entwined together, some build off of each other, and so on (if a better analogy can be found, feel free to suggest it - I had the Cosmic Web in mind when I said "web", by the way, as opposed to the typical '2D' spider-web).
What I mean by "Cosmic Web". Click on the image to go to the Millennium Simulation website to learn more about it (I'll share more about it in another post I'm planning to write!).
Consequently, I figured I'd probably end up writing about those reasons in separately, because they're not just personal issues for me, but also commentaries on different aspects and issues of society (from my perspective, that is), and so probably 'merit' their own posts and whatever discussions that ensue. In a nutshell though, those reasons involve:
- Not belonging (this will probably be in a post called "The Kal-El/Spock Complex");
- Prejudice and Discrimination - as a Muslim (especially in Science in Britain =/), as a "Brown" person, as a South Asian male ("South Asian men have a notorious rep for how they treat women, and you must be the same", though also cultural expectations of "masculinity", too, from both British and South Asian sides...);
- Injustice - I acknowledge and 'accept' suffering from natural disasters, but I can't accept suffering caused by other people, yet it seems so abundant in the world;
- Existential Guilt - the suffering and sacrifices others endured for me being here and getting to where I am today;
- Being 'voiceless' and people not actually listening until it's too late or you do something drastic (like taking your own Life) - I think that's why that line ("From the moment I could talk, I was ordered to listen.") from Cat Steven's "Father & Son" always resonated with me from when I first heard the song way back when;
- 'Just' not being able to cope with Life - quite possibly (and probably?) a product of the above reasons, but it could just be that I'm not cut out for any of this.
Despite me listing them out, they all relate to each other in one way or another, so it's not as if these are independent issues. Also, I really hope I haven't given the impression that I think of myself as the epitome of kindness or perfection or anything like that all. I've made many mistakes (by my standards, at least), hurt others, and so on, regretfully. I think that's another reason (maybe even more dominant than everything above) why I try to be so nice - I'm trying to earn all the good stuff that I've been blessed with by doing what I believe to be right, and maybe that'll make up for all the wrong that I've done. Likewise, there's the possibility that maybe I'm inherently 'bad' and that's why some people have treated me the way they did and do, because I 'deserve' it, but I don't really subscribe to that model much any more because it'd imply that there's justification in treating some others badly which I don't buy (I know that's me rejecting some viewpoint primarily based off of me not liking the idea, but it's something I've thought about a lot critically too and reached the same conclusion, thankfully), though who knows.
I think my narrative style is becoming less coherent now, and so I'll wrap up soon, but I figured I'd mention some of the relatively trivial decisions I've made that might not have made sense to people over the years, but now that the cat's out of the bag, there may be some context for understanding? I dunno.
- Was meant to go on an expedition trip to Tanzania that involved climbing Kilimanjaro back at school that I withdrew from. The general reason (which is true, just vague) is that I didn't feel like going and it was too expensive. The more specific reason is that I had planned to die on that mountain summit because I imagined it'd be more peaceful up there than where I was mentally and physically at the time, but 1) that'd possibly traumatise my classmates and others on the trip, which I had no intention of doing, and 2) it'd be a huge waste of money that my Family just doesn't have (I still owe my sister for the amount on the deposit that we never got back, even though she insists I owe her nothing).
- I avoided my nieces (I have no nephews so far, as far as I'm aware) getting close to me or telling them to call me "Uncle" (in 'our' culture, we never call our elders by their names, but by their relation to us i.e. being the youngest sibling, I've never called my siblings by their names, but "Bhaiya" [Brother], "Apu" [Sister], and "Api" [since "Apu" was already taken :P]). This is because I didn't want them to feel loss or miss me when I'm no longer around, given that I planned to no longer be around very soon after my first niece was born. So it's not that I don't love them or don't care for them at all, but quite the opposite, albeit in a 'depressing' way.
- I stopped trying at school. I wasn't a great student, but I generally put effort into my work when I thought it was worth something. One of the things I realised though at that time was that no matter how well I did academically, it didn't change or solve the problems around me, so my efforts were focussed elsewhere. Incidentally this happened around the time I started taking my GCSEs, when assessments actually became official and played a relatively significant part in one's academic and career prospects. I still enjoyed some of my subjects, but doing well academically just seemed like such a relatively trivial thing compared to the other things on my mind (I'm not saying I was right in my decision, just that that was the reasoning behind it).
- As I realised justifying taking my Life wasn't going to be as straight-forward a matter as I originally thought (given that I couldn't find a way to actually justify it), my sixteenth birthday had come and gone [by the way, for those who know I don't celebrate birthdays, it's not to do with any of this stuff, just so you know], and the expectation from pretty much everywhere was going to university (that's not meant in a bad way, just that it is what it is). Since I wasn't planning on sticking around, university wasn't exactly a priority, but I went along with the application process as best as I could, partly because I thought I might as well do it as best as I can, partly because I think there was still a part of me that thought things may actually work out. That said, I actually got an offer to study Physics with Astronomy at the University of Southampton (UK) straight after I finished school, but given my anticipated absence from the world, I deferred my entry by a year. The reason given was to save up money (again, true, but vague - the money would either be towards paying back my student debt or, if I 'succeeded' in my plan, to pay back my sister and to help my Family along in any way possible, especially given all that they'd sacrificed and given for me).
There are various other things, but I can't recall them all now, plus this is a long post already, sorry! I do often wonder if I actually do want to end my Life, given that eleven years have passed and I'm still here - am I really looking for justification to [posthumously] say I did the right thing, or am I actually just hiding behind that reason? That's why I don't describe myself as "suicidal", because I think it's unfair on those who definitely do 'want' to take their own lives and risks trivialising their situations. I think I shouldn't be around, yes, but if there were suddenly 'clauses' in Islam that effectively said "It's okay to take your own Life if...", would I go through with it? Oh, I feel I should point out at this point that it doesn't say anything like that anywhere in the Qur'an or the Hadith (the two texts that basically codify Islam and how to implement it, more or less respectively), and I imagine I have to clearly state for the record that I do not think suicide-bombing or anything like that is acceptable, justifiable, right, etc. One of my motivations for ending my Life is to end suffering, not cause it.
I should add, me writing about this doesn't mean I'm on the metaphorical edge or anything, so please don't feel like I should be under suicide-watch or anything. Like I said, I've pretty much come to accept that I'm never going to be able to justify it and go through with it, and that I'll just have to wait for my time to come and do the best I can until then. Incidentally, I did wonder if anybody would read this and twist it into an invite for murdering me...for the record, please don't; I think murder's wrong and despite wondering if I could ask somebody to 'help' in the act of ending it, I realised I'd still be asking them to take a Life, so ruled that out (plus I had nobody to ask, go figure...). I think I'm just asking for people to try to be more understanding, less judgemental, and generally more compassionate, please.
Lastly, I hope I haven't put you on a downer or anything, though I'm sorry if I have. And I'm still the same person as I was before you read this; sure, your perspective of me may now have changed a bit, a lot, or not at all, but I'm still me. If you have to judge me, judge me on what you know I've said and done, and on nothing else, please. You don't have to tread carefully around me because of how I may think or feel, but I hope that we all tread kindly and considerably wherever we may go, whoever we may be around, and in whatever situation we are. Also, please know that if you ever feel like talking, I'm here and I'll listen as best as I can, and that offer's around as long as I am (I wonder if people get what I meant by this statement now, given that I've been saying it for years...). I feel better about myself and who I am if I'm able to help others, so please never shy away from asking for it or letting me know if you need or want it. If you made it this far, thank you (even if you didn't, you won't see this bit, but I'm still grateful).
Take care :)
Help those who need it. Also: cute!