I haven’t really written here in quite a while (though that’s not exactly new…), but also haven’t felt up for it in some ways for various reasons. As in, there’s still so much I want to ‘get out’ (be it through writing on here or even possibly trying out just recording myself as that seems quicker in some ways…), so that drive hasn’t gone, but it’s more that I feel both burnt out as well as overwhelmed at the prospect of trying to express myself in a way that I’d consider “comprehensive” and “complete” - it feels like it’ll never be possible to get it all done the first time around. Regarding the “burnt out” feeling - I’m pretty sure the main component of that came from quitting my PhD, and all that went/happened with it, as the PhD was/is a big deal to me…maybe I’ll write up more about what happened during the PhD as well as why it impacts/impacted me so much at some point, but not now. Anywho, I’ve set myself a target to post at least once a month, and with about an hour to go (at the time of writing) before the end of the calendar month, here we are :D
I’m deliberately trying to keep this one short and with possibly too little detail (as opposed to too much) as that’s something else I think/feel I need to improve on, but we’ll see. What I wanted to talk about, briefly, is that I’ve been wondering - for quite a few years, actually - about whether a ‘version update’ is due. What I mean by this is (and I may or may not have talked about this previously) that I think the notion of looking at the universe as a software simulation is a fairly apt analogy at the very least, and that includes ourselves as individuals. We may be like software programs that go through various breaks, patches, and updates.
And so I’d say I’ve been sitting on “Ridwan 2.x.x” since I was about fourteen years old, updating it here and there, and I’d say that version’s doing fairly well to be fair, in terms of getting me through various events and circumstances in Life, even now to be frank. However, 2.x.x was largely built on the notion of me being worth less than everybody else and ‘excessively expendable’ (which soon led to the notion that suicide is the best course of action for me and is something that has stayed with me ever since, pretty much), and this is something I tell myself is no longer the case, but is still very much a part of me that I feel, frankly speaking. As such, I’m umm-ing and ahh-ing over whether it’s time for “Ridwan 3.x.x”, as I can’t help but feel this’d be done more for the sake of releasing an update rather than there actually being some ‘major software update’ =/ Though, on the flip-side, it may be that I’m deliberately holding myself back from an update I’ve been denying myself for some time: personal boundaries - specifically having mine acknowledged and adhered to. I think I’ve let my boundaries be crossed a lot because I’ve regarded myself as less than is fair/reasonable, and consequently in many cases with many people I’ve either enabled them to take advantage of me, or I’ve not stood my ground/fought back within what is arguably right/just even if I do object. And the thing with implementing this ‘feature’ is that, whilst it doesn’t change that much of my ‘inner software content’, I imagine it significantly changes a lot of the ‘endpoints’ - how I interact with others and allow myself to be interacted with, which in turn may have huge impacts (or not, of course) on both my existing and future relationships, be they of a personal/social or professional nature.
In any case, whether this is a further update to “Ridwan 2.x.x” or the release of “Ridwan 3.x.x”, I think it’s time I implement a stricter sense of having my boundaries acknowledged/respected and adhered to.