Hopefully just a short one from me today, though it has been a while since I've been able to spend some time on here =/ Anywho, I was wondering again about 'versions' of ourselves that we tend to go through, akin to software. In the context/definition I'm referring to/using, these versions are distinguished by our character itself ("character" here meaning the thing that others would use as a reference in order to answer the question "What would so-and-so do in this situation?"). I've been Me 2.x for quite a while, and it was only due to Facebook's "Memories" feature that I feel/realise that maybe I've moved onto Me 3.x. I imagine it's obvious that I'm hoping with each subsequent version that I'm actually becoming a better individual (how that's defined is open to discussion, of course...), since that's my aim, but it's not to say that any distinct version is/was 'complete' for its time, just that it was stable enough to get through my life at that time, to face whatever problems I thought I had/have during that time, and to be the best I could be at that time. That's never been the case, though, I think. At the very least, I'm almost certain that I could have always been better at each iteration, but for various reasons (most likely the aspect/'module' of me that seems to be responsible for irrational behaviour/decisions, but also a lack of sufficient information to make the correct decisions, even if with a rational mind). Though yes, I think I'm currently at the third version of myself, and it's only in hindsight that I realise I may have been at this stage for a little while prior to this (I wonder if software-developers deem their software as 'stable' once they've dealt with the problems from the previous iteration, or once they've used an iteration for a while in a variety of situations and found that it keeps working...if anybody knows, please do let me know!). I'm going to outline the three versions of myself I think exist below:
Me 1.x This is the me from when I was born up to about 13-/14-years old. I'd say most of this time was spent learning a lot about the world I now presume/assume exists in terms of 'basic' social-etiquette. A general concept of "Right/Good" and "Wrong/Bad", fairness, being clean/tidy (the apparent revolution that is my "unkept/messy appearance" didn't arise until Me 2.x), manners, etc. was taught/imported/inherited from primarily my Family (mostly my mother, but also my brother who is the eldest out of my siblings), but also from teachers and classmates, as well as some family-friends. This generally can (and, in my case, did, overall) serve well for a time, plus being born into an environment where "Bangladeshi"/"South Asian", "British"/"Western" (I'm still not sure if there is a distinct and exact definition of what it is to be "British", though I was told that the legislation of British values occurred with the passing of the Counter-Terrorism Act...it didn't seem distinct, for the record, but that's not meant as a criticism), and Islamic values/traditions/beliefs seems to have given me quite an advantage (in trying to become a better person) and opportunity to spot the difference with different societies/groups of people around me and then see what seemed to make sense (or not), as well as what seemed to work (or not). That said, being born at a 'three-point' intersection of different societies, where a couple of them are already minorities here in the UK, pretty much renders one into a minority amongst minorities, and so can leave one feeling pretty lonely/isolated (at least, it can seem that way) - I've had an image/mural in mind for a while that describes how I sometimes feel in this situation, but I've yet to make it (and may never end up doing so, who knows).
Like I said, though, v1.x started approaching what would eventually become v2.x (in fact, how do developers also designate the second number - how do you know whether to go up in x.1s rather than x.1.1s? =/) as I approached the age of 13/14. I guess towards the end of primary school, faced with the prospect of saying goodbye to those I'd spent at least five years with (which made me quite emotional already), I wondered more about the 'deeper' and more 'real' aspects of Life, including Identity - who I am, what defines me, and "What would I do?" in various situations. (For those wondering why I say I spent five years, rather than seven years, as is typical in primary school - there were quite a few transfers earlier in my life, and the first time it happened I didn't really know what was going on, so it didn't dawn on me that I may never see my first classmates and people I called my "friends" again until a while later.)
Me 2.x In a nutshell, this me formed when I felt that I knew more or less what my principles were and, for the most part, why. These principles are/were things that I may have inherited (and then tried to 'derive' them, myself, from scratch), acquired from other experiences/interactions, improved on either or both of the former two cases (as a result of questioning/challenging), or possibly have seemingly come up with on my own - in any case, though, these are/were things that I could generally come up with reasons as to why I believed them and various different scenarios where they seemed to still hold true and function 'correctly' (or perhaps it is where I functioned 'correctly'? =/ I don't really know, but maybe that's the case...) - my set of IF statements that would churn out actions to do, basically. Just like when writing software-code, we write general rules/conditions/commands based on what we deem to be reasonable and suitable for the software's purpose, try to anticipate various scenarios where those rules/conditions may 'misbehave'/fail, tweak them accordingly and thus further refine our understanding of those rules and the situations they are for/apply in, compile and run the code, see what happens and if there are any bugs, we repeat this process until we get a working solution (else stick with it). So I think by the time Me 2.x was 'released', I'd anticipated the various different scenarios and taken those into account, could deal with most situations I'd been in and carried on going through, and now (the 2.x era) was the time for those tweaks to optimise myself, to really come together as a person with their own identity, to be 'me'.
The one thing I really failed at accommodating in my 'code', though, was (and still is) social interactions! I think I'm generally polite and well-mannered (according to some, at least...again, at least three different social standards at hand to compare with), but I'm still very socially awkward, in my opinion. I think a lot of people have realised that about me, but I think there may also be people who very much doubt it. To the latter (and former, and anybody else who is generally curious about it), I'd say it's because I spend a lot of time just trying to observe how people interact and see what seems to work and then replicate it myself (as long as it doesn't clash with my principles, though either way, it's an opportunity to recheck the relevant principles and see if they still hold and why). In other words, I spend a lot of time people-watching (not in the George McFly-sense :|) and then playing over various 'simulations' of interactions with people to see which has the highest likelihood for the most beneficial/pleasant/favourable outcome (this may sound a lot like a 'coping mechanism' that those with autism utilise to 'fit in with society', and I often wonder where I fall on that spectrum, but have never been tested/diagnosed for/with it, and thought it wouldn't really make a significant difference to me whether I was regarded as autistic or not). To me, my behaviour is very predictable because of how I stick to my principles (while routines from my irrational module aren't active, that is), and those principles themselves can sometimes result in me going with a decision that isn't socially favourable (though that usually leads to either a 'new' manifestation of other principle/s or a new principle itself to deal with such outcomes). To others, though, I think I often come across as being very strange/confusing, as well as other negative/socially-unfavourable 'properties'.
Consequently, I strived (and think I still do at a subconscious-level, admittedly) to be socially accepted, to be what I (emphasis on this being just my opinion) now consider one of the most pointless traits a lot of us may have wanted to be when amongst others and able to self-compare - "cool" (what if I just feel this way because I've never achieved being "cool", though? =/).
Being cool is, to me, essentially being approved of by meeting subjective criteria, based on seemingly arbitrary standards, decided by an [apparently] always-changing society (there's a real risk of me sounding like a particular celebrity - who I share initials with - that I don't particularly wish to be affilitated/associated/likened to, though, so I'm hopefully not going to repeat such sentence styles again). That said, it's something the majority of us seem to buy into, figuratively and literally :| I'd say it's very much understandable - to want to feel accepted and validated by somebody/someone/something other than ourselves (even feeling that by ourselves isn't a given, and maybe not really that common at all...). That doesn't make it justifiable, though. Anywho, I wanted to be "cool" for a long time (and still want to be/feel accepted/validated, to be honest), and then, by the time I began A-Levels, I think I started to 'shed' the want to be "cool", though I didn't actively realise it at the time, and even then, it was only in parts. This is what became apparent to me with Facebook Memories - even throughout my undergraduate degree, I still looked and longed for social approval (strangely, here I think it was the other way around - rather than me passively not wanting to be "cool" any more, I thought I was actively not trying to be it, whilst passively actually still wanting it) - posting "status updates" for what, in hindsight, seems to be predominantly to let others know that I think, feel, or have done something that I think is not only worthy of their attention, but their approval, too =/ So I apologise to those who have seen beyond this before me and have put up with my relatively inane social-approval-motivated actions. I'm sorry.
However, that's not to say that social cohesion is trivial and a negative thing, not at all. Social harmony is one of the big things I think worth striving for, just that the parameters/conditions it seems to be done mostly with respect to may not be the correct ones (at least, that's my opinion, based on my experiences, and so could be very wrong, of course).
And so that brings us to...
Me 3.x This is the me that's mostly the same as Me 2.x with the refinements, but learnt to [mostly] let go of what I consider to be arbitrary social requirements. I'm not really sure how this fares overall, as I'd say Me 3.x is a lot more disconnected from people/society than before, which I'd actually say is probably a bad thing, but I find it facilitates me to perceive things a bit more objectively than before (yet still taking into consideration the emotions/feelings of others and myself, that is) and thus make the 'right' decisions more often and thus help others more often (hopefully), which I'd say is a good thing. The other seemingly good thing about this 'new' version, is that, when I was Me 2.x and describing myself as versions, I think I was hoping I had sussed Life out mostly (maybe I'm confident in private to the point where I'm over-confident =/) and that I wouldn't undergo any more 'majorly significant' changes, so to do so puts me in my place, or at least puts things into a more realistic perspective for me.
As for the next version of me, I have no idea where that'll go or who I'll be, or even if it ever happens. As before, though, I hope every change I undergo is for the better, and if you can help me to do so on this journey and test that is Life, please do :)
Thank you for your patience, and take care :)